he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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