we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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