Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
