I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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