we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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