I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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