I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
