apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
