I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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