im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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