just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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