Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
