Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
