Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
