I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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