First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
