They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
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Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
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I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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