she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
