my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
