Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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