I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
she pinky promised me she was 18
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
