We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
organizing the empties. That sober.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
