i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
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I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
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I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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