i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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