if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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