watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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