Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
