dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
