yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i wish my penis had a tongue
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
