I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
