mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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