i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
