I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
