the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
