Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
