It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
