I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
