Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
