please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
