is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
