I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
