just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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