Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
