she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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