Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
