Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
