I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
