I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
