Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
