I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
