So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
