I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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