Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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