Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
