he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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